I think it is about time to out myself. I go around all the time talking about how society should stop the stigmatization of different mental/psychological statuses, and how we should be comfortable talking about our own mental health concerns. Even with these strongly-held beliefs, I find myself hesitant to out my own madness. I fear that the legitimacy that I do have could be lost if I do. I fear that I will be ostracized and never taken seriously again.

I fully take those risks right now.

I am scared of social situations. I get overwhelmed easily when interacting with more than a couple people at a time or when interacting with a socially dominant person. This has been true for most of my life, but while I was a teenager I threw myself right in the middle of every social interaction in order to attempt to make myself more comfortable with them. It was basically like self immersion therapy. It never worked. Still to this day I am afraid of interacting with people because I am intensely scared of getting hurt, whether emotionally or physically, though I fear emotional pain more. I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from psychological abuse and neglect and physical abuse at the hands of my parents. This inherent fear permeates every aspect of my life.

Because of this, I have a difficult time looking people in the eyes. This is not because I am untrustworthy (on the contrary, you could probably trust me more than most people), but because when I look into someone’s eyes it feels like they can see and sense my unease, which leaves me open and more vulnerable to getting hurt. This is also why I do not show many emotions. I fear being made fun of or having my feelings delegitimized, so I keep them to myself. I am working on changing this.

I am coming to the realization that I have a negativistic attitude that has gotten me nowhere useful. In the past I would say that my outlook on life was realistic, not pessimistic, because I would look back on what I have experienced and compared the entire world to my hurtful past. I have recently realized that I can no longer live in the past because all it does is propagate my own pain. 

I do not try to be friends with everyone—I try to understand where everyone is coming from. The two sometimes look similar, but they are not. Not knowing the intentions of others’ interactions with me and their environments makes me uneasy. Despite my inherent introversion, I wish to get to know people on a deeper level than small talk and surface knowledge. In doing so, we all can understand each other better, and realize that we are not all just 2D characters, but thinking and feeling beings that matter at some level in the world. Getting to know other people past a surface interaction also helps reduce the fear of getting hurt.

I am not fickle or flakey. I have been in and out of many groups, organizations, and projects in my time. People may think I am flakey or unreliable. The truth of the matter is that I try most things that strike my interest at least once, and sometimes I get involved for some months and then move on. When I am involved, I am testing the waters of the group and the cause itself and seeing if I am a good fit with my knowledge, skills, and time. A lot of the time when I have to become uninvolved it is either because something intense happened and I would not be able to be involved in the near future without horrible anxiety, or I have misinterpreted how much time I would have to devote to the group/cause. The “something intense happened” usually involves being triggered and soaring into a panic attack. Once I have a panic attack as a result of something someone says or does, I can’t readily be comfortable interacting with that person for awhile after that.

I have a difficult time expressing my thoughts. I could go on about the testing I have had in the past for learning disabilities and other such things, but that would be silly. Regardless, I have a genuine problem with processing my thoughts and feelings into coherent verbalizations. My thoughts are more advanced than I am able to communicate, which is why I feel much more comfortable when typing. Not being able to hold a conversation without having to pause a lot, and then not even say what I meant to say, leaves me frustrated on a good day and angry on most days. I feel like I am doing both myself and the person that has to wait for me to blurt some half-formed thought a disservice. I don’t want to feel like this, but I don’t yet know how to share my difficulties with people without making them think I am looking for their sympathy. Unfortunately, due to my fear of being hurt, my susceptibility of being hurt, and my difficulty with expressing my thoughts, I get frustrated with myself very easily. I have gotten into arguments or said hurtful things in the past based solely on the fact that I got scared and did not know how to handle the intense reaction, so I got angry instead. This is not to say it is acceptable, only that it has happened. I have also been working on this, and am still continuing to do so.

I am not playing the victim card and I am not looking for your sympathy. I share my experiences solely for solidarity and communication purposes. For instance, in the past I would often tell people I was upset about something. I did this because I wanted to let people know that if they perceived me as upset that, indeed, I was, and they would know the reason why. This would leave little room for the person speculating if I was upset with them. Over the years, I have found that people would just rather you keep the negative commentary to yourself, for the most part. I’m doing that now, and I’m proud of the progress I have made.

I am about to click “create post,” fully aware that this commentary may push others away from me. There is a problem with our society when we are not able to be open with one another and share our struggles, only to be sneered and jeered at. I envision a world where we can all talk this frankly and work together to find a middle ground where we can all stop living in fear. This is why I wrote this post. Let the naysayers be damned.

-MRO